After May, I was having a hard time adjusting to my new life.....being a woman without a father. My grief counselor said it would be a hard adjustment, but I didn't know she would actually be right. The piece that was really struggling was our marriage. For two months I couldn't figure out why I was so bitter toward Paul and almost resented everything he did for me or for us. I would look at all of his actions critically, and what may have annoyed me before was now really getting under my skin. I couldn't pinpoint why the sudden change. It wasn't until September that I was able to put my finger on something.
I would call my parents religiously every weekend usually on Sunday evening while driving to my weekly meeting. It was a time I could be alone without interruptions and debrief with my parents about the week. Somehow my dad would either rub me the wrong way or give me something to think about in which I would appreciate the same quality in Paul. He would either criticize something I was doing or have an opinion about a decision we'd made or just kinda not really be paying attention to me while I talked. I would always come away from those conversations thinking, "Paul would never treat me that way," or "Paul would never say that," or "I'm so glad I'm married to Paul. He's so sweet." On the positive side, I would be grateful that Paul would think or act similarly to my dad. I would come home in greater appreciation of my husband and my marriage.
After dad died, I no longer had those weekly phone calls with him. All of the things I looked forward to him doing or saying to me stopped. My goal post of comparison was no longer there. Now Paul had to stand on his own two feet with all of his failings and foibles. So Paul went from a hero to a zero in my eyes. Well, maybe he didn't go down that far on the totem pole.
I was so happy that I finally had a reason for my frustrations with Paul. I was so happy that our marriage wasn't falling apart. I was also very humbled by my attitude and behavior toward Paul for 14 1/2 years of marriage. Sheesh! I'm going to be 40 in December, and I was still acting like a kid in high school comparing a boyfriend to her dad!
Take all of that plus my cycles were all over the map. With all the added stress, my age, and all of the anxiety over our marriage, homeschooling, etc.; I just couldn't get a handle on my fertility. All I knew was that I couldn't just go on blindly and just shut down completely in an area where our intimacy could really benefit the love we have for each other.
So insert God and the Holy Spirit and probably all the angels and saints, too, because I was instantly thrown a curve ball of sorts!
That's where I find myself today....very pregnant, very scared, and very nauseous. I'm probably only 4-5 weeks along. I haven't even looked at a calendar to pinpoint everything....you know, dates and such. All I've been doing is walking around in a daze, a nauseous daze. I am happy, too, but I would be lying if I let on that I'm over the moon about this baby. I gave away everything after Nick. Yep, I have no crib, no clothes, no bassinet, no receiving blankets, or anything else for a baby. I was mentally over all of that. I have had so much emotional and psychological difficulty since 2010, I was sure that another pregnancy would send me to the looney farm.
So I called my mom on the day I took my pregnancy test. I grabbed the leash, the dog, and headed for the park. I cried to her telling her how afraid and overwhelmed I was feeling. I kept saying, "I can't do this. I don't want to do this." She was amazing! She said I can with God's help and that I will do just fine. But....there's always a BIG BUT.....she said I'd have to slow down. I'd have to take it easy and let things go. I told her I like having a clean house and keeping a strangle hold on the schedule. I like baking and cooking and spending oodles of time in the kitchen. I also love homeschooling the girls and driving everyone around. She said I have to let go. She's supportive and also very practical.
There you have it.....my BIG NEWS! I guess that's why I've been so quiet around here. We've been busy as usual, but nausea and exhaustion have taken over. We've also been processing a lot of apples so it's been a little crazy around here!