Tuesday, October 22, 2013

Expecting the Unexpected

After May, I was having a hard time adjusting to my new life.....being a woman without a father.  My grief counselor said it would be a hard adjustment, but I didn't know she would actually be right.  The piece that was really struggling was our marriage.  For two months I couldn't figure out why I was so bitter toward Paul and almost resented everything he did for me or for us.  I would look at all of his actions critically, and what may have annoyed me before was now really getting under my skin.  I couldn't pinpoint why the sudden change.  It wasn't until September that I was able to put my finger on something.

I would call my parents religiously every weekend usually on Sunday evening while driving to my weekly meeting.  It was a time I could be alone without interruptions and debrief with my parents about the week.  Somehow my dad would either rub me the wrong way or give me something to think about in which I would appreciate the same quality in Paul.  He would either criticize something I was doing or have an opinion about a decision we'd made or just kinda not really be paying attention to me while I talked.  I would always come away from those conversations thinking, "Paul would never treat me that way," or "Paul would never say that," or "I'm so glad I'm married to Paul.  He's so sweet."  On the positive side, I would be grateful that Paul would think or act similarly to my dad.  I would come home in greater appreciation of my husband and my marriage.

After dad died, I no longer had those weekly phone calls with him.  All of the things I looked forward to him doing or saying to me stopped.  My goal post of comparison was no longer there.  Now Paul had to stand on his own two feet with all of his failings and foibles.  So Paul went from a hero to a zero in my eyes.  Well, maybe he didn't go down that far on the totem pole.

I was so happy that I finally had a reason for my frustrations with Paul.  I was so happy that our marriage wasn't falling apart.  I was also very humbled by my attitude and behavior toward Paul for 14 1/2 years of marriage.  Sheesh!  I'm going to be 40 in December, and I was still acting like a kid in high school comparing a boyfriend to her dad!

Take all of that plus my cycles were all over the map.  With all the added stress, my age, and all of the anxiety over our marriage, homeschooling, etc.; I just couldn't get a handle on my fertility.  All I knew was that I couldn't just go on blindly and just shut down completely in an area where our intimacy could really benefit the love we have for each other.

So insert God and the Holy Spirit and probably all the angels and saints, too, because I was instantly thrown a curve ball of sorts!

That's where I find myself today....very pregnant, very scared, and very nauseous.  I'm probably only 4-5 weeks along.  I haven't even looked at a calendar to pinpoint everything....you know, dates and such. All I've been doing is walking around in a daze, a nauseous daze.  I am happy, too, but I would be lying if I let on that I'm over the moon about this baby.  I gave away everything after Nick.  Yep, I have no crib, no clothes, no bassinet, no receiving blankets, or anything else for a baby.  I was mentally over all of that.  I have had so much emotional and psychological difficulty since 2010, I was sure that another pregnancy would send me to the looney farm.

So I called my mom on the day I took my pregnancy test.  I grabbed the leash, the dog, and headed for the park.  I cried to her telling her how afraid and overwhelmed I was feeling.  I kept saying, "I can't do this.  I don't want to do this."  She was amazing!  She said I can with God's help and that I will do just fine.  But....there's always a BIG BUT.....she said I'd have to slow down.  I'd have to take it easy and let things go.  I told her I like having a clean house and keeping a strangle hold on the schedule.  I like baking and cooking and spending oodles of time in the kitchen.  I also love homeschooling the girls and driving everyone around.  She said I have to let go.  She's supportive and also very practical.

There you have it.....my BIG NEWS!  I guess that's why I've been so quiet around here.  We've been busy as usual, but nausea and exhaustion have taken over.  We've also been processing a lot of apples so it's been a little crazy around here!





12 comments:

  1. I am so excited for you! Don't worry about not having baby stuff. I had nothing when Cupcake came along having given it all away to people who could put it to good use right then rather than saving it for a "maybe baby". When she came along, people were so incredibly generous to us. We needed to purchase very little. Speaking of that... I've got blankets for you when you need them!

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  2. I was wondering if that may be the news with your blog title...I am so excited for you! I completely understand the anxiety and stress. Please feel free to call me if/when you need someone just to listen for a while. Is it okay to share this with my kids?

    Congratulations! I am sooooo happy for you! :-)

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  3. Congratulations Grace! I saw your posting on the cookies and I'd been thinking of you lately, esp. with the transition of your dad's passing away. I had been missing you and came to check your blog. I can imagine the anxiety, but if God has allowed it, he must know how perfect of an addition this little one will be. You and Paul are always such an inspiration and example to me. May God continue to bless you and just call on all your friends for whatever you need (me included).

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    1. Hi, Hazel. Thanks for the support and encouragement. Missing you, too.:)

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  4. Congratulations to you, Grace! Wow.

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  5. Oh, Grace, how exciting!!! My daughter told me just this week that she is also expecting, her first child and our first grandchild. She is also just 4-5 weeks along. Her news is still a secret and I am about to bust :) All will be well as you know in your heart that God will always provide the grace you need. Many prayers being sent your way.

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    1. That is so special, Cathy. You'll have to keep me posted on her progress. I feel the prayers....thanks for adding me to your list.:)

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  6. Grace! That's so very exciting. I have not been able to have children, so this sort of news is especially thrilling, because your baby is truly a gift from God! Blessed be.

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    1. Thanks, Julie! We are all very excited around here. The girls were off school yesterday so I took them with me to hear the baby's heartbeat....very cool!

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