Thursday, June 6, 2013

One of Those Days

It's been one of those days....no sun, lots of clouds, rain is holding off at intervals, and the tears are right there ready to burst if you look at me or talk to me just the right way.

These days have been both good and bad.  Some days are better than others.  I'm so tired most of the time.  I have energy for doing minimal things, but then I feel wiped out after the fact.  I actually went to my parish this afternoon to talk to our Family Life Coordinator who heads up a Grief Counseling Session a couple times a month.  She told me to come even though we might be the only ones there.  I was happy to have her to talk to.

I wonder sometimes what to talk about.  I'm getting tired of recounting all the events from May 8-23.  I'm getting tired of telling people my dad was on dialysis for 2 years and was sick before that.  I'm getting tired of telling people how amazingly beautiful the funeral was and what a beautiful, holy death I witnessed with my brother, sisters, and mom.

I think I'm just overly tired....period.

I think I'm also tired because I actually get tired of talking.  I like typing.  I like blogging because I can let my thoughts roll right out of my head, and I don't have to say them.  Problem is no one is listening.  There are a few brave souls who have faithfully followed me away from Google Reader and are continuing to check up on me here.  Others will never see me again or never know I exist.  Some people will never know all the pain I'm going through right now nor how amazing my dad was.

I think that's what hurts the most.  I actually blame myself some days.  This is why I should've followed more bloggers, built a better online presence, expanded my network, and commented more frequently.  If I would have done those things, I wouldn't feel so alone now.

Please don't be hurt by what I'm saying here.  I'm just grieving because my dad is gone.  He's really gone.

I just read something on Dwija's blog about her little baby in utero that is fighting to stay alive.  You should go read that and pray and sacrifice for her and her little one.  But it made me so sad because Dwija is so honest.  Maybe that's where I lack.  I lack the courage to be as real as others can be.  Here's what she wrote....

Do I sound calm?  When you're reading this, how do you picture me?  Do you picture me sobbing with tears running down both cheeks, barely able to see the words on the screen through the mess I'm making all over my face?  If so, then good.  Because I am not calm.  I am a wreck.

And if copying and pasting her words from her post seems like a grief/blog jacking, well so be it.  I'm going to offer my pain and sadness for her little baby because I don't know where else to send all this hurt in the great economy of salvation.

10 comments:

  1. Oh Grace! You've been on my heart a lot today. This gloomy weather has got me down and I've got nothing to be down about. If the sun would just shine I think that would help you out so much!

    We just finished family prayers and Joseph said a special prayer just for you and your dad. You are so important to us. We love you and are sorry for your loss and hurt. You are in our continued thoughts and prayers.

    Let us know how we can help. We genuinely want to help you out however we are able. Please take us up on that.

    God bless you!!!

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    1. Thank you, Heather. I don't even know what I need. I just need it to be ok to cry and be sad, and I need to be ok with giving myself some time. Prayers are great. Please ask God to give me peace.

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  2. Grace,

    Thank you for sharing your feelings. I'm sorry you are stuck in a pit of grief. I used to wonder how I would ever get myself out and functioning again. God was good to me though and always sent me a life line just when I had decided I couldn't bear another moment of pain. But it was a long process of ups and downs.

    Grief is lonely. People disappear because they don't know what to say, and they're afraid of intruding and adding to the pain. The world seems to go on as normal for everyone except the grief stricken. I used to wonder why the sun still rose each morning and people continued on as usual, when my world had collapsed.

    It's difficult to be open but those who have grieved will have an idea of where you are right now. I remember my own pain, and how I barely made it through some days. I just wanted to curl up and disappear. I used to have urges to hide where no one could see me, as if that would make me no longer exist. Sounds silly, I know, but maybe not to someone who is grieving.

    Grace, I am listening. I probably can't help with my words or anything practical, but I can pray for you. I wish I could share a hug with you. May God bless you and hold you close.

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    1. Thank you, Sue. Hiding...yes....sometimes I want to lie on the ground because I feel like something incredibly heavy is on top of me weighing me down. It doesn't sound silly. On Monday I went to a meeting for the first time since I've been back. I felt like I was suffocating. I literally was having a visceral reaction to being there. I was having a hard time seeing something continue as usual when I had changed so much. Sometimes I want to just get over it, but I'm told I will have to learn to live with my life changed. I can't imagine that. Time will tell. I feel that hug.:)

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  3. Grace,
    My dad died this past February and one of the things that was most surprising to me is how disoriented I felt. Not just right away, but for months after - even still. I couldn't concentrate, needed more sleep, etc. We were down a car during that period and that was just fine with me because I wanted to stay home more anyway. I suppose it was/is some manifestation of depression, but again, to me it just felt like I was disoriented and adrift.

    One other unexpected thing was that even though I'm surrounded by friends and a loving parish family, I really wanted to avoid everyone's condolences because it just made me relive things again and again. I'm sure that's not everyone's reaction, but it was mine.

    I'll keep praying for you! (It'll get better.)
    Sue

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    1. I do feel disoriented at times. Almost displaced, kind of. I was told I'll will have to learn to live as a child without a father. I don't know exactly what that means. I don't think I'm orphaned, but I know there should be feelings there or at least attachments that I should be "missing" since dad's physically gone. I miss his hugs. That is very real for me. He was always so gentle.

      Thanks for the prayers. I know it will get better....I hope in that.

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  4. I understand more than I have the time to comment AT THE MOMENT (because Maria needs a swimsuit before Schoenstatt next week and will be a book club from 3:00 to 9:00 today and will be in Mankato with me tomorrow for a soccer tournament and Sunday's cutting it awful close...)

    I think that's the problem, dear Grace. Everyone is just so darn BUSY keeping up with the activity trap that we don't have--or take--the time for one another. I would love to get together with you any time you're free--in fact, am meeting Sarah for coffee next week and you're welcome to crash the party!

    With love in him,

    Another Minnesota Mom (and one who truly understands)

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    1. Thank you. I emailed you earlier, but I know you're super busy over the next couple days. Hang in there. I understand.:)

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  5. Dear Grace, how much I feel for you and how much I regret not commenting recently. Blog world is strange- I feel like I know someone well, when I actually don't know them at all. I realised this when I read of your heartache as you were about to visit your father. Being there for someone passing is the most profound thing you will experience. I realised I was a stranger on the other side of the world and believed I should probably not say anything. But Grace, you have been on my heart and in my prayers all the while. You will continue to be there, too. Thank you for sharing, for ministering. Love, Julie

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    1. Thank you so much for your heartfelt comment, Julie. I definitely felt your prayers even if they came from across the world. I'm glad you were there for me spiritually. That's the one good thing about the blog world....we can be there for people in spirit.:) Hugs to you and do please keep me and my family in your prayers. We really need them right now.

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