What's most nerve-racking at the moment is the whole "food" thing. I'm not worried about eating something I'll regret later. I'm not worried about being tempted to eat. It's just hard to be around people when you have your resolve and your convictions in check and follow through with them. It's great to be a witness and carry the message that there is hope and help for compulsive overeating. What is difficult is the awkwardness when others are suddenly feeling convicted as they eat something I'm not. You get comments like:
That's great! I really need to give up sugar....How do you do that?....I always feel better when I don't eat sugar....Are you on a diet?....Good for you!....I gave up sugar once, but I couldn't keep it up.
I know it's their problem and not mine, and I would do well to let go and just be myself. But this is my blog for venting and being real and letting you all know that I'm not bullet proof. I still get my "itty bitty feewings" hurt. I know it isn't just me that goes through all the inner turmoil. This is certainly a human nuisance. A lot of people experience this:
- alcoholics at a New Year's Eve Party or any other party for that matter
- vegans at a BBQ
- Catholics at a Protestant wedding, and vice versa
- bottle feeders at a homeschool conference
- homeschoolers at Target with all their kids during public/private school hours
- and the list goes on & on
Reality is I don't have to do this everyday. I could just enjoy the evening with these ladies, eat their dessert, and drink the wine. However, what would I feel like when I get home? My mind is the one I have to sleep with when I go to bed tonight. I already go to bed with twinges of guilt about all kinds of things....too much computer use (I'm on right now), not reading to the kids enough, reading too much and not getting to the older kids, not making a "more" homemade meal, making a homemade meal instead of reading to the kids. AAAGGGHHHH! This, of course, is why I'm going to therapy and confession regularly and make regular hook-up calls to people I trust to tell me to GET A GRIP! Eating something that could trigger my addiction doesn't have to be part of that guilt. "No thank you" and the ensuing awe at my assumed level of self-control are easier to live with than my best day giving in to the food!
I'm going to go to this gathering of new friends/acquaintances. It won't be easy....it never is. I'll probably bring water or a diet pop or nothing at all. I'll eat before I go and look forward to having my snack at home when I get back. If you could spare a prayer, I'd appreciate it.:)
And, thanks! I feel a lot better now.