Friday, June 17, 2011

To North Dakota With Love

I have a dear friend in Bismarck, ND that has been struggling lately.  She just wrote a beautiful post...of the real kind.  I should probably call her or write a letter, but it seems the only things I do without being interrupted are after 10PM or at 6 in the morning.  After 10PM, Michelle is not awake...lucky you!  And lately at 6 in the morning, I've been getting up to check my yahoo groups and take my morning walk.  I don't think I'm capable of a coherent letter at either of those times, but an incoherent blog post is totally ok.

Anywho, I wanted to let you know that I understand.  I, too, don't always want to be around my kids.  Uhhh?  What?  How can I say that?  It's true.  They're not always the most pleasant people to be around especially when they don't listen, and I am hoarse at the end of the day because I've been speaking (and yelling) so emphatically to make sure they can hear me.  I, too, would like to think they are deaf instead of stupid or disobedient!  Honestly, this evening I told Daddy that I couldn't take anymore.  No one was listening, being attentive to the needs around the house, or helping out without being told or rather screamed at.  I feel like the only way I can speak to my children is by adding a condescending whine to the end of all of my statements or questions.  I hate that!

I have visions of sitting with the kids all around me while I read them an inspiring piece of literature.  They attentively take every word in lovingly knitting or working a puzzle.  They don't interrupt or poke at each other or make stupid noises or comments or ask questions or yell out that they have to go pee or poop.  They just sit like those sweet little children that sit at the feet of their mother soaking in the best unscripted education.

What can I say?  I am a stupid woman to think that my life can be like a painting.  OK, skip the Impressionists because they actually painted real things!  Instead I get this...

As much as I try to fill my home with good things and read up on the best ways to inspire my children to be civil to us parents and each other, I still have moments when they are just nasty to each other and me. It's not easy being a parent, and it's even harder when things aren't quite as you would like them to be...a better house, a better situation, you miss things you remember and don't have around you anymore.  It's easier to sit in a dark hole of despair than to even desire joy and gratitude so that those graces can pull you out of the muck and mire.  It's more comfortable to stay put and soak in the self-pity and the despair.  

However, these are feelings.  And feelings are meant to be felt...that's why they are called feelings.  God gives them to us so that we will act.  He also gives us things that teach us about ourselves so that we can teach others.  I always find my behavior patterned in my children.  I often don't want them to whine, sulk, complain, pout, or be rude.  I want them to be happy and cheerful all the time, but I want to have times to be all of those things, and I don't want anyone to tell me to snap out of it.  So I've been learning how to let my kids feel and show their emotions.  Because if they don't feel those emotions, they'll never learn what to do with them.  They may try to medicate those feelings with bad things like addictions so they don't have to feel anything.  They may become victims or codependent on others so they don't have to feel them.  Journaling (or blogging) helps to process those feelings.  After all they aren't bad.  They move us to action, but is that action going to be positive or negative?  I believe that is the question.  This week I chose not to participate in Like Mother, Like Daughter's Pretty, Happy, Funny, Real linky party.  I was feeling so unpretty, unhappy, unfunny, but very real all week so I decided to skip it.  I didn't even have any pictures from the week even though we did a lot of cool stuff.  I chose to look at all the things wrong with my life rather than all the beautiful things that I have around me.  We all do this some time or other.  I look at it this way; if I got it right all the time, I don't think I would need God at all and therefore never go to Him.  I know that stinks, but at least I'm being honest.  When I feel like I have the world by the tail, I can pretty much take control of everything else which doesn't include God.

For now, Michelle, I get it!  You're not alone.  Sometimes I, too want to do this...

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